From Sandwich with Love
submitted by Claude Ramses LePlet
I see I said. The man from Polanka was tall, very skinny and with large hair. I drew a circle in the air with my hand to illustrate that I understood. Understood completely. It was cold when I shot her in the hip. We were on our way from Sandwich - it was very cold and she was screaming he said, making a triangle in the air with his fist. I see I said.
What is your name he asked. Plithe. Plithe Gonzolo Ezparza Latrelle I replied. He stood on one leg and smelled the centers of his palms This is for you - yours for your very own he said eyes gazing upward, then cast down suddenly. I opened my mind and accepted the gesture, said My what a generous soul you are, but what of the woman from Sandwich? He turned on one foot and pulled at his tangled matt of hair, a coiled up mess twice the girth of his own head She is the center of the middle now, I despise her - but I love her. I love her because I will marry her then burn us both. More than this I cannot say he went silent just then - eyes up, then down to the ground; circle, triangle fist in the air.
I pulled a soiled rag from my pocket and set it on fire before us. What is your name I asked. Newa Yorka. Newa Yorka Larga Blanca Fatale he whispered. Sandwich is where the love pump runs - there is a fountain there that brings wetness to my eyes in the thought of it. I bring this for you to see he said, pulling from his coat pocket a most repulsive, veinous meat piece. I laughed out loud and slapped my knee with delight. blessed then is the death of the couple and the veinous alter meat from Sandwich! let us burn the filthy rag and ring tomorrows bell! And so it ends as it began, eyes cast up, then down and a hopefull circle drawn in the air signifying complete and total understanding.
Letter From Home
submitted by Suk Bong
Yea. High. Im working for a new company now, its called Bell Company. No affiliation with Pac Bell or Bell Labs or anything like that. Our slogan is Ding Dong. Were Different. Its headed up by Truman Klaughnghque (pronounced Klonk). Im in the Water Division.
The Water Division sells water, as well as all products and services associated with water i.e. consumption, sports, irrigation, anything and everything. We have 13,000+ other divisions encompassing everything there is. I have been told that we are adding new stuff and even new divisions everyday, or at least thats what the stated corporate goals include.
My new best friend at the company is a Jesuit/Indian Italian born Ph.D. from the Food, Oil and Sugars Sub-Division. His name is Treat long head Hollingsworth-Mason. I call him Head or Long and have settled recently on Hog which is a kind of derivative. He doesnt seem to care.
My hair has been dyed company blue for pictures on Saturday. The Water Division will be sporting paper hats and company tattoos going for top awards in the company Spirit Olympics coming up.
Are you still doing that Rodeo Clown bit? My god but you were good at that. It was always painful to watch you fall off that cow, but its so damn funny. Hey, remember Palm Springs? Remember that guy who drank till he burst? How about the time you swallowed the whole thing! Yea, you used to be great - youre definitely setting like the sun old man...
I have started my training program in the Water Division. I am to extract water from chestnuts (who knew?) with the Lindensfarne Machine. One of our other divisions makes the Lindensfarne Machine. Its a terribly complicated affair with knobs and wheels, cams and levers. Today I got a real bad shock from the Lindensfarne Machine. I stuck my hand into the tube view port and got a whammo of a shock. Its says right in the manual DO NOT stick your fingers in the tube view port but I had to. My crucifix got stuck on the rim and popped off the chain and in it went. I didnt want to risk damage to the Lindensfarne Machine, so I went in after it.
Later in the week we swam in the artificial river, the company has running through the campus. The Water Division is proud as puffed wheat over this campus feature and maintains it for the staff, naturally.
Water testing day comes around twice a month. We drink water all day long. My sub-division measures both stain and mildew effects of water testing. I found German chicken mildew spores in a sample I drank the other day - they were planted! It was a test, and I passed. Got a commendation for Natural Instinct.Well, thats all for now. Hope your head partition operation goes good. Kiss the kids for me and set aside some water for me to test when I come out there.
Bacon with Sandwich on at Halfway Head
submitted by Faith Godwater
I was hunting for Mantooboo, on the Island of Otumbo near the mouth of the river Coco-so-oha. Tsibili was my guide, for the forest was thick here and the floor of the canopy treacherous.
It was 82 degrees and humid as sin. Tsibili's feet skillfully moving us through the low-bush - 'Teranovus Camlibibi' I noted in my arm recorder. I took a sample and ran it through the sampler 100 apparatus. Tsibili had disappeared into the bush ahead. I waited 10 minutes and was preparing to look for him when he returned from above, flying to the ground on a liana vine.
It rained as we entered the valley, carved deeply by the great raging river Coco-so-oha. I stood in awe and wonder as this huge river blasted past my face and over a 1000' cliff into a basin below.Tsibili paid homage to the river spirit with song and dance.
We arrived at an outpost of forest humanity named Ngichi. There we were met by Camoon the Chuma-Toompa of the Namili tribe. A foaming-at-the-mouth camel was herded into a cart for transport before our eyes.
German music played in the background and it was still early morning. After a morning meal a camel wrestling match was scheduled. Tsibil would not attend, staying close to the edge of the forest. I was invited, and was planning to go, despite my aching bones, singing for sleep.
I awoke to find that it was the next day and I had missed the wrestling match. Tsibili was standing near the edge of the campground looking southeast into the tropical rain forest. I took samples of plants -'Rimini Augratenous' I noted and drank tea made from tsoolooloo root.
We climbed steadily upwards to a very high, flat plane where several paths crossed. It was dark now and I could see the allignment of the paths to the stars above. Tsibili gestured with his hands cupped and rolling- telling the age old story of how the gods of stars, winds and earth joined together to mark the paths of enlightenment.
The morning brought the first glimpses of the heavily forested monster-peak TruPowa-Kalula: Halfway Head
I sharpened the curved, long, narrow, deadly edge of my Gilda-Blade and prepared for the hunt. Tsibili smelled the air and gathered a handful of Pope grass. We were to crouch and wait in the places Tsibili selected.
The Mantooboo were clever creatures with hides as thick as stone but with tender white meat as soft as snow and sweet as butter bacon. We took a sow out with a no pain. Cut down with a single stroke from the Gilda-blade.
Later, as we passed around Mantooboo bacon with sandwich on, Tsibili placed the Pope grass on the ceremonial alter of rock, earth and tree. Thunder roared its voice and a light rain began to fall gently to earth. Halfway Head raised its arms into the falling drops and smiled at the sky in this, the holiday season.
submitted by Dade Angels
OK. let me give you the skinny about this guy Santa Claus. Everybody gets all fuzzy when they think of the jolly old fat man in a red suit. Well Im here to tell you, you all you don't know shit. I know more than you do about this whole thing - more than most people know. Set back and let me run the numbers for you..
The Real-Life Exploits of Santa Claus.
He pimps internationally. Runs a ring of momos and a stable of sallys.
Professional gambler. Cards. Any kind. Carries a red deck in his sock.
Does whatever he has to keep his Christmas franchise in place.
Might have negotiated the whole thing away from the big man upstairs. Rumor has it he won it (and his nickname Anti Claus) in a card game. High stakes. But then he might not have. Hed say, Its none of your business anyway, and hey, get the f_ck off my car hood man!
Long, slicked back, rice-white hair, pony tail. Earring hole - never seen him wear one though.
Completely cosmopolitan. Adjusts to life anywhere.
I see him coasting into NY City, Cadillac de Ville, brown, non descript. Totally blending in - avoiding attention. Outskirt stops in drug nests and pimp strips. Squeezing capital from his sallys and momos.
Totally confident. Acts with the confidence a 400 year old man-gone-saint can walk with.
He slims down for the off season, but hes still heavy.
I see him drinking like he means it.
Seen him bust a chair against a guy in a small town just SE of Minneapolis. Seen him drink till dawn and start over again in Ireland.
Seen him care for an old fellow on the street in San Francisco, then go pull a knife blade across a hoodlums throat for robbing and beating the old dude.
Seen him high as a kite, against the side of a trash drum, in an alley in Tacoma Washington.
Seen him light up the faces of the young with toys from his personal stash, and seen him light up the crack pipe on the fire escape heading south.
Saw him squirm for a headhunter tribe in Africa once. Saw him squirm big-time. Lucky he had an entourage of thugs to clean up that mess.
Seen him pull a monkey from a hat in halfway house in Texas. Imagine that - where do you get a monkey in Texas? well if your the Anti-Claus, anything is possible.
Think thats it? Im just getting started..- Excerpts from Red Devil by Dade Angels