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Problem Report:
I've got a 3 inch sliver lodged in my genitalia. I have tried to remove it for the last few hours with a letter opener, but it doesn't appear to be sharp enough to do the job. Can you suggest a remedy? Please hurry as I'm bleeding. - Cautious
RemedyLine Reponse:
Indeed we can. Follow the Slavic Remedy for Genital Sliver Removal presented below and you'll get results.
 Slavic Remedy for Genital Sliver Removal
Required Elements
+ Sea Salt
+ Linseed Oil
+ Whiskey & Vodka Combo
+ Tincture of Arsenic
+ Root of Gurgla Plant
+ Sharpened, Curved Gilda Blade (blessed)
+ Led-Lined Steamer Trunk
+ Masonic Ritual Book
+ Pan for Blood
+ Tourniquet
+ Extraction Personnel
Procedure
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Drink 8 oz Whiskey Vodka. Sniff tincture of Arsenic up both sides of nostrils, rub residue on gums.
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Baste genitalia in linseed oil. Set gently on bedding of sea salt.
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Read from Masonic Ritual Book, chapter GENITALIA, specifically Slivers, Impalation and swelling sections.
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Pull the Gilda blade across the prick hole. Pat with Sea Salt. Drink again. Drain dick blood into pan. Slice the genitalia again, this time right over the sliver.
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While chewing Gurgla Root, have extraction personnel pull on sliver until it starts to come out (try and route it through the enlarged, sliced open prick hole).
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Gently yet firmly, rub salt and whiskey vodka into cuts to induce sliver to come out. Pull really hard at the end and extract the sliver.
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Tie Torniquet around lower dick shaft and ball sack.
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Move into the led-lined trunk.
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Have extraction team pour remaining linseed oil and salt over your body.
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Close trunk. Stay inside trunk for 36 hours, chewing Gurgla root. Come out if the trunk and remove Tourniquet.
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Dick and balls should be swollen and dead, falling off. replace with new ones or do without.Sliver will be out, but gangrene is frequently a new neighbor as a result.
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