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Slavic Remedy for Genital Sliver Removal

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Problem Report:
I've got a 3 inch sliver lodged in my genitalia. I have tried to remove it for the last few hours with a letter opener, but it doesn't appear to be sharp enough to do the job. Can you suggest a remedy?  Please hurry as I'm bleeding.   - Cautious
 
RemedyLine Reponse:
Indeed we can. Follow the Slavic Remedy for Genital Sliver Removal presented below and you'll get results.

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Slavic Remedy for Genital Sliver Removal
 
Required Elements
 
+ Sea Salt
+ Linseed Oil
+ Whiskey & Vodka Combo
+ Tincture of Arsenic
+ Root of Gurgla Plant
+ Sharpened, Curved Gilda Blade (blessed)
+ Led-Lined Steamer Trunk
+ Masonic Ritual Book
+ Pan for Blood
+ Tourniquet
+ Extraction Personnel
 
Procedure
 
  1. Drink 8 oz Whiskey Vodka. Sniff tincture of Arsenic up both sides of nostrils, rub residue on gums.
  2. Baste genitalia in linseed oil. Set gently on bedding of sea salt.
  3. Read from Masonic Ritual Book, chapter GENITALIA, specifically Slivers, Impalation and swelling sections.
  4. Pull the Gilda blade across the prick hole. Pat with Sea Salt. Drink again. Drain dick blood into pan.  Slice the genitalia again, this time right over the sliver.
  5. While chewing Gurgla Root, have extraction personnel pull on sliver until it starts to come out (try and route it through the enlarged, sliced open prick hole).
  6. Gently yet firmly, rub salt and whiskey vodka into cuts to induce sliver to come out. Pull really hard at the end and extract the sliver.
  7. Tie Torniquet around lower dick shaft and ball sack.
  8. Move into the led-lined trunk.
  9. Have extraction team pour remaining linseed oil and salt over your body.
  10. Close trunk. Stay inside trunk for 36 hours, chewing Gurgla root. Come out if the trunk and remove Tourniquet.
  11. Dick and balls should be swollen and dead, falling off. replace with new ones or do without.Sliver will be out, but gangrene is frequently a new neighbor as a result.

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