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Senator Agsby: Hog Trouble Again (click for NEWC exclusive video coverage)

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Palm Tree Goes to Harvard
UPI - A super-intelligent  palm tree has been granted a four year, full academic scholarship to the Harvard School of Business.  The tree, a 47 foot date palm will be transplanted into a mobile planter in August in preparation for transportation to the Harvard campus from its native home in the Philippines. This palm is the first recipient of the newly created Flora Scholarship program which Harvard hopes will attract and inspire the brightest minds in the Plant Kingdom.

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Ten Ton Chicken Rocks Machu Pichu
The Chicken flew into the ancient Incan capital to a standing ovation as three thousand die-hard fans made the trek to this dangerous but awesome venue. As sun set over freezing peaks, TTC opened up the the Rag Song and cranked out a set that will long reverberate amongst the ancient ruins. Two children were born during the first set while ritual baptisms were performed before a ninety-foot bon fire. Incan beer and the best South American herb filled the air, mixing with Chicken riffs to create a surrealistic experience that few in attendance will ever forget. During the Chickens' third encore, most women removed their clothing and provided the male audience with a fantasy type dance scenario that can't be found anywhere else except at a Chicken concert.  Sponsors for Ten Ton Chicken's South American Tour include Leeds of London Creme Cheese Toothpaste. For more information on Ten Ton Chicken, visit their website at www.tentonchicken.com.

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Free Beef Seminar 
I am nothing more than bloody bones - more like ham with rice - all fouled up and rotten. Smashed and putrid, laying in wet cardboard boxes surrounded by trash and the smell of death. Greased and hideous, pustulent and viral, oozing forth with yellow matter - oh god and the stench - the stink - such that the mind goes limp and the eyes roll back.

 Brain falls into blackness. Swollen meat pulsates with pain and shards of glass and red hot embers infiltrate the softest parts sending searing pain from the irritated nerve endings up the broken spine to the base of the brain. Night filled with screaming anguish.

 Pain - my only friend - do not leave me now as I descend through the most heinous and hideous layers of unforgiving, scorching sleep. Awakened by amber liquid involuntarily gushing from my mouth, I see that I have been blinded in one eye - caught on a nail as I slumbered through vomit-filled trembling nightmares. Cold hard pavement and glass are my pillow now.

 Rain comes and washes filth from the skin into open wounds and sores. Back to the panic, now turned hopeless again. Moving on broken and infectious feet  across a narrow street and channel of water. Falling into sewer mud and drinking in liquid waste and excrement, near drowned. On the other side, a boot in the head sends us reeling back into the sewer, near the pipe hole.

 Scrambling up the pipe now avoiding sight, clinging to the sides as blood flows from most places. Crash and again up. Finally, a break in the blackness. Light beams through holes in a street cover and illuminates a dry place. Old, rotten grass has dried and makes a less-than-sweet but most comfortable bed.

Suddenly a rat emerges and dies within reach. An old sewer rat, at the end of life, becomes food for my aching stomach. Sleep finds me fast after a meal and I rejoice in the warmth of the rotten grass. Blood flow slows to a trickle. For the first time in a month, I am at ease.

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