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Hi, I'm Mario. Ask me some questions and I'll help you figure shit out.

Dear Mario,
my baby cries constantly, all night long. I have to get up for work in the morning and I'm like a crazy hag, all stressed out. I'm gonna kill myself unless I get some help. What can I do? And don't even ask about the father, he's in the hole where I hope he rots forever.
 
Rita Lopez, Plano Texas
 
Dear Rita,
The next time the baby lets out at night, fire up a fag before heading to the crib. Pinch or burn the babys soft or tendermost spots - but only when the baby is crying - try and associate pain with crying. Now then, thats the ticket, yes? soon that baby will open wide to cry, but contemplate that little pinch or sizzle of skin, and quiet right down. Your welcome, in advance ;>
- Mario
 
Dear Mario,
I have a swallowing compulsion, what can I do?
- Lost
 
Dear Lost,
I have something I bet you can't swallow (but I'd love to have you try !). Na, really what you need is mayonaise and some cloth napkins. You can buy both cheap at a grocery store, or make your own, which is my preference. Either way a little bit of friction in the bathtub and an evening and morning application of both the essential ingredients, should have your swallowing hysteria in tow lickety split. I know, I know - I am Angel from God!
 
Dear Mario,
I'm trying to use a King of France Shitoil Spoon for Marrow service for ten - is it to large a spoon for the bone picking or should I try something else like a marrow spoon ?
 
- Grace Lozenge, MI
 
Dear Grace,
if the marrow is bloody and kind of runny (if served heated) the KoF spoon will be a delight. If you serve cold and the blood is congealed, you'll need the comfort of a stick-penny marrow spoon - get one where the underside has a sharpened edge for deep groove marrow, but watch out for that lip split when shoveling marrow in your pie hole -the sharpened spoon can be a mans death.